"let yourself be a beginner. nobody starts out as an expert."

Yesterday was Pi Day. And my 33rd birthday. And it was sunny.

In all things, I'm super happy with what my life has become. I spent the first third figuring out what I wanted my life to be about: making my community a better place by being inspired to be a better human and loving people. That's all. I get to spend the next third just doing that; I'm pretty excited about this next part :-)

In my endeavor to get inspired and be a better person, I had this test to do on my bike. I was super excited to do it, on my birthday, with my friend Liane. She's such a happy and brave athlete - she inspires me to be strong and keep going.

John asked me, "Well, did you study good?" Ha! He's so cute.

The test is simple: ride as hard as you can, for 20 min.
The results are simple: take your watts produced - 5% to get functional threshold power.
The interpretation is simple: This is the magic number to base training on in the coming weeks so you don't over or under work yourself. It is a measure of getting stronger, as compared to previous tests.

So, it's my birthday, I'm super excited and ready to blow this test out of the water, and take my training up a notch...and I basically do the same as I did last time. Which was MONTHS ago. What?!?!

I was so confused. I was SURE that I was stronger, faster, better, and all that stuff that makes an athlete. Last year, I was used to making these huge shifts. Exciting shifts. Inspiring shifts. And I've heard more than a few fellow athletes comment to me about how much faster I am this year. It made sense that the number would jump up significantly.

But no, it was an incremental change of just a couple watts. Does that mean that all my effort is for nothing? Does that mean that this confidence I've grown into is a falsehood? Does that mean that this is as good as it gets and I should quit now? Are my friends exaggerating when they say, "Sybil, you're so strong this year." Seriously, these are the silly questions that initially happened in my head, all because of a silly 3-digit number that Garmin gives me.

Being a therapist, I occasionally have this funky expectation that I SHOULD be able to handle everything with grace, acceptance, and joy, without ever struggling with feelings of disappointment, sadness, anger and fear - as if I should be immune to those negative feelings. Ha! I have to remember that disappointment, sadness, fear, and anger are PART of being a better human. Trying to not have those feelings isn't the point - it's what we do with them once they come around. I do know this in my head and my heart, but I forget sometimes. I'm human. It is just another facet of myself to work on cleaning.

I didn't let it ruin my day. Don't worry. I had a fabulous birthday filled with the people I love, doing the things I love - capped off with yummy sushi and a cupcake :-)

This new incrementally larger 3-digit magic number does make me ask bigger, deeper questions about myself. About why I spend so much time believing what I am is never enough. About how to handle disappointment and fear. About how to get inspired on a new level. About why I expect so much of myself. About why I don't allow myself to rejoice in the small things. About why I'm in such a hurry all the time. About what my life is for.

It also helps that I have an amazing coach who reminded me that this is just March; I have lots of time to keep getting stronger. I have to remember that I've only been riding a bike for barely 2&1/2 years - being better takes time. I'm allowed to still be a beginner; I simply don't have the experience of a cyclist who has been working hard for a decade. He's such a happy and encouraging guy; his insight and wisdom is much appreciated.

As it stands now, I'm super excited about my new magic number. This number is a happy birthday present to myself that represents 2 years of hard work, sweat, dedication, inspiration, and a personal commitment to excellence. It is my springboard for success and is enough for now. I want to win something, and this magic number is the first step toward that experience.

My bike is my metaphor.

Pedal therapy at its finest :-)